DIVING DEEP INTO ME
This semester in college, I am challenged with figuring out who I am and why I am the way I am. I guess I didn't really give it much thought before to figure out these concepts. I love deep thought, and I love learning more about myself that I never considered before.
To figure out these questions, I go back to where I came from. I grew up in southeast Pennsylvania in a large town, Pottstown. My memories didn't start there, though. My first memories, sketchy at best, began in Spring City. I remember moving around every few years, after my parents divorced, with my step-family. My dad, on the other hand, kept renting a house in town. That gave me some sort of grounding.
Dad's house was set in town. When I went to school there, I was one of the few white children in my classes, but I always felt welcomed. I loved that school, and the only girl that was mean to me was white? Yeah, from a young age, I realized white children were meaner than black kids. After the divorce, I attended a mostly white school, and I found even more mean, white kids. I was thrilled when one of my black friends moved into my school in secondary elementary, but she moved a few months later, because the mean, white kids bullied her too much. That hurt my heart. Why did the color of our skin matter? This gives me bias toward black people over white people.
I was teased a lot growing up because I was clumsy, blonde, and hyper. There are days still that I judge myself harshly. There are days when I don't even like what I see in the mirror. I was a little risk-taker, but I never tried to cover my tracks. If I screwed up, I was sure to be found out. I, also never learned how to lie very well. To this day, I can't bring myself to lie or deceive in a convincing manner, so I don't even try. I get choked up. My face gets red, and my ears ring if I have to admit something hard to say. I still say it, but my instinct tells me, "I'm about to be in deep trouble."
Why do I still think I'm going to get in trouble, as an adult? That stems back to being raised in a toxic environment. I tried my hardest to do my best, but that was undermined by my mother. I don't know why she decided to take credit for the work my siblings and myself did, but she did which caused my stepdad to come unhinged. Many nights we were woken up from sleeping to line up, receive hostile questioning over various things, and sometimes get physically punished.
My grades and performance were hindered by never knowing the next tirade of the man who my mother married. My dad didn't understand why I always slept so much at his house. His house was my safe zone. I couldn't bring myself to tell him the harsh reality of my other house because I thought anything I said would get back to my main household, and punishment would come. I saw what happened when one stepsister spoke to school staff. She got punished. I learned that adults were not to be trusted. It instilled in me that if I was going to speak up, I better be ready for the consequences.
Other safe zones I found were at my grandparents' houses. My grandparents showed me compassion, patience, and understanding. I grew up playing with my cousins. I learned that my family, outside my household, loved me.
I was hushed a lot growing up, too. It took a while for me to realize I was allowed to speak up and have a voice in any situation. I learned to choose the words I wanted to say because I didn't want to regret the words that came out. There have been times when my mouth resembled a bucket more than a zipper file. I am no longer afraid to speak my opinion except in someone else's house. My stepdad said, "when you're under my roof, you'll obey my rules." So, based on that, I will not speak against the homeowner's opinions in their house.
Growing up in this kind of lifestyle taught me to be picky about who I grow close to and to share my most intimate details with. Sure, I'll talk to almost anyone, but I am selective in my inner circle.
School had a big impact on me. I learned how to pronounce my words in school, so my accent didn't reflect that of my parents. I learned about politics and how everyone should be treated equally. I learned about the separation of church and state. I learned how to vote. Without a constant religious affiliation, I learned that life didn't have to be lived like everyone else chose. I never really fit into cliques, but I had a good group of friends. I made friends with people from all grade levels because I loved the connectivity it made me feel.
School was a big safe zone. I was safe there. I wasn't going to get physically punished by anyone. I had teachers who cared and friends that were always happy to see me as much as I was to see them. This made me love school.
My mother was never a helpful guide in my studies. In elementary school, I couldn't understand my math homework. She told me I couldn't leave the table until I finished my sheet of homework. I cried hard because I couldn't make sense of it. She sent me out to the back picnic table to do it, because she had to clean, and I was in her way. I never figured it out on my own. Luckily, after Dad got home, he sat down and showed me how to do the problems. He made me see that math was fun! I had very good math teachers that took extra time to explain problem-solving, so math never became too difficult for me. Learning moments with my dad showed me that a man may have more patience with me than a woman.
Reading and history, the killer subjects. I had no comprehension skills in my school career. Reading was torture. Remembering historical dates, names, and facts didn't happen in my brain, and I never learned how to fix that. To this day, unless there is a show about a historical event, I won't remember it. Even in my own life history, I have to write and draw out on paper to figure out when things happened and what happened before another. I was so mad at having to read a history book in 5th grade, I took an Exacto knife to a page with a ship on the sea. I will avoid history classes at all costs.
I enjoy self-reflection. Most of my adult life has been about focusing on the betterment of myself. I promised I would never turn out like my mother. I promised myself I'd be a better wife and mother. I promised myself I would never stop learning. I challenge myself to be kinder to myself than I was in the past. I hope to always be better than I was before.
