May, My Longest Month

For two years, now, May has become a challenging month, for me. It is the rainy month, the tail-end of school, a time of celebration of my daughter's birth and motherhood. It is also a time of mourning and rememberance.

Two years ago, I lost my dad, one of the greatest influences in my life, one of my guides, balancers and comforters. He was my first hero. He was a strong supporter of my quirkiness. He loved me unconditionally, and he's gone. Just gone. This hurts.

So, we're finally into the last week in May, and I just want it to end. I know time will move along as it should, and no matter what we try, it just goes at its own pace, as do I.

As I linger in remembrance of my Dad and loved ones who have passed on before me, I am grateful for the love and impact they had on my life. I am grateful for all the people who have gone before all of us to try to make our world a better place.

This inspires me to keep going, keep doing good, because in the end, the goodness and kindness and love will be my legacy. My God is Love. I am a peacemaker, peace keeper and peace seeker. Love is the way to peace, and that is my ultimate motivation.

I know I may not be able to change the world, but I can make a difference in my own world, where I go and what I do.

I hope that all my efforts and all my energy projects the love that dwells inside of me. I want and hope to be a light of love that leads others to show love, mercy, kindness and compassion. 

Go Without Fear

Go Without Fear

Be brave. Be courageous. Be strong.

Take heart. Take precautions. Take lessons.

Go forth, and forge a way.

Go out, and begin. Go on, and never stop.

Lead by example. Lead by loving. Lead by learning.

If you must quit or give up, do it quietly.

Then, once renewed, rise.

Rise from the depths with a fire in your heart,
with a fire in your eyes, with a fire in your belly,
with a fire in your soul.

Show the world. Show your friends and family. Show yourself.

You are not afraid. You are strong. You are worthy.

And Go!

Go without fear.

The Path

    I took a walk one day. The weather had finally become pleasant. On my walk I was inspired. 
    Life is like a path. At first, there is no path. There may be areas worn down by one who went before us, but things have grown up or fallen down distorting the way.
    Starting out on our journey, we decide to go that-a-way, and so we need to clear the area. The first hike down that path will most likely be difficult and hard to negotiate.
    We may stumble and fall. We may get battle scars, and we may say to ourselves, "This is too hard." We may want to give up and not go back. Don't quit!
    Try again. Go back out and do it again. "Practice makes perfect" after all.
    Each time we go back, we can see our footprints, and there may even be others' footprints, because we led the way. We were brave and took the first step or a giant leap of faith. 
    Over time, the path will get worn down. It will be easier to traverse, and we may look forward to going. Sure, things may grow up and fall down many times over, but as long as we get back up and keep trying, we will find joy in this. It's perfectly ok to take rests, breaks or even go on hiatus for a while. Rest is good for the soul, but don't give up.
    If we decide to quit, we are left with regrets and wondering, "what may have been".

Building Endurance

So, today was my first day for a 30 min walk. I have finished my 4 days of 20 min walking. I realized, while my muscles stopped aching and just felt warm, I'm building my endurance. I love this! I know it's repetitive, but it's necessary to train to run. With everything in life, we must practice over and over with small steps, advancing difficulty to get to do greater things for longer amounts of time. I am always in preparation for something. My two goals, right now are running and getting remarried. I have also learned, over time, through lots of practice, to step back and see the bigger picture. I have learned to see my progress and see how far I've advanced toward my goals. I hope to always give God all the glory and see all the beauty in my everyday!

Getting Over Pain

For so many years, I always thought the best way to deal with pain was to talk it out.  My most frustrating moments with pain would be when my husband would say something snarky and leave for work.  As a stay-at-home mom, I'd be left to have the words last spoken to me ruminate inside my mind leading to new, negative thoughts and questions eventually turning me into a hot, melted blob of a mess.  Everytime, I'd write out my feelings or thoughts and leave it on the table.  This, in turn led to my husband trying to figure out what to do next, as I boiled under my skin.  Every attempt on his part to try to console me made me even angrier, and I never got closure from any of it.  It would just have to dissipate and stay inside until something new bothered me later, and then, they could both be added together.  This same thing would happen over and over until I just couldn't contain my pain, anymore.  By the end of three months, or so, I would babble out my pain and frustration, trying to stay audible through the tears and snot.  He would listen, and I would feel like a horrible person for cutting him down.
I have recently learned the better way to take care of this situation, as it just happened a few days ago.  I wrote out my letter of frustration.  After serious thought, an hour later, I put the note away.  New thoughts crept in, and I wrote out a whole page of "pity party" questions and put it on the table.  I sat on the couch and cried.  I prayed for God to take this pain and hurt away and to bless my husband at his job.  I found comfort in my Bible, and crumpled up that stupid paper on the table and threw it in the trash.  My thoughts were: "What was I thinking?  How would I like to come home to a note of such hurtful words?  Doesn't my husband have enough drama at work?" 
I went to the couch, again and read more in a book that is helping me out, greatly "Making Love Last Forever".  By the time I went to bed, I had euphoric peace, and when I woke, my husband was touching my hand asking me if I wanted McDonald's for breakfast!  I couldn't believe how awesome this morning was!
So, from this one night, I learned the best way to get over the pain of hurtful words was to pray it out to God, and let it go.  It is easier said than done, but it's not impossible.
Thank you, God!

Keep Getting Back Up

So many times
I have been knocked down
Knocked down by
Good things and not so good things
Sometimes, it was hard for me
To find the way
To get back up, again
But I did, everytime
Everytime I got back up
I was changed
I was changed
To see what had knocked me down
And not let it knock me down, again
But there are still times
When some of the same old things
Bring me to my knees
For those things
I find it easier to get back up
I have learned the patterns
And evaluated the importance
I find the strength
How?
Through prayer,
Listening to preaching,
Sharing my heart with others
And learning the new combination
To the various locks set before me
I am not weak, and I'm no fool
I will never give up
I will always
Get back up!

Our Job In A World of Fear

No matter how much time passes
The pain is there as if today
There are no rose colored glasses
To blur the scar of yesterday

As I watched in agony
A river flowed down my face
I couldn’t help only see
The dust fill up every space

Heroes and victims
We have them both
Moments of silence
Brings forth the truth

Loved ones and strangers
No diff’rence to us
Turmoil and dangers
God is who we trust

A world drowning in fear
Cannot see the promise we do
Show them God is so near
And His word forever is true

Shine the light of God most high
Share His love with everyone
We don’t know but He knows why
Trust in Him and in His Son

Reach out, be there
Listen, love and care
Hug them, repair
Replace their despair


It’s not too late
Use this time, now
No time to wait
To show them how

Fear not for yourself
Fear not at all
For faith is your wealth
Answer His call

Empathy and sympathy
And Feel for your neighbor
This is all a recipe
To work for your Savior

Failure Is Not An Option

Failure is defined as an inability to do an expected or required action.  Inability comes from a lack of training.  In my mind, failure is not an option.  I must be ready and willing to learn all I can for whatever life brings to my table, so I continue to press on, move forward and learn all I can about things I don't know.  No, I'll never know all, but I can learn as much as I can, and I can perform to my best.

I say these things, because I was going down a tunnel, feeling a failure.  I gave up, and thought I'd lost my cause.  My faith was broken, and I was drifting from a great cause I stood for.  My mind was lost.  My heart was crushed.  I'm talking of my spiritual self.  I was withering.

But, by God's grace and mercy, He spoke to me.  He spoke at church camp, and I stayed back, when I should've gone forward.  He spoke during Sunday school.  But, when it came time for church, He shouted!  He called me out, and I knew I was revived!  My heart cried, and I was snapped back to reality.  I knew my faith needed some love and tender care.

I am not a failure, and I will not give up.  I will persevere with training and working on my faith with my tools I've been given.  I was given a Bible-good place to start.  I was given the Power of Prayer-true freedom line.  I was given chance after chance, and I won't waste this chance.  I'm done with chance.  I'm taking a stand for my salvation, and I won't let my soul slip down the drain.  I'm not falling through the cracks.  I'm feeding my spirit, and flesh will learn to obey. 

For too long, I'd thought it was just going to happen naturally.  Now, I know it's going to happen spiritually, and I'm equipping myself. 

It really sucks how easy it is to slip and slide away from where I once was.  I faded my colors, and thought I'd blend in.  It's not that simple, and I don't want to fade away.  I am a beautiful, radiant flower that will stick out.  I may even look weird, but that's normal to me.  I'm God's, and I'm going to make sure I live like it.  I am a woman of worth and God loves me for me.  I don't need to fly under the radar and hide with the others.

Failure is not an option.  I will win.  I must win.  God is my Father, and He doesn't make junk.  I was put here to make a difference, and I will.

Always a Plan

You know, no matter where you are, or what you're going through, God has a plan.  He has a superior plan that overrides all our plans.  We think we have control, sometimes, but soon realize God's plan will always prevail.  The sooner we understand that, the easier life becomes, to an extent.  Life doesn't get simpler, and people don't treat us much better, but we learn to accept things for what they are and trust in God to love us.  God loves all of us, no matter what state we're in.  If there is trouble, it's not of God, and He didn't create the bad things.  There is a definite enemy to all of us, but it's not God.  Praise God in good times and bad, because He loves us!  When you're not sure where to go, who to turn to or what to do, pray God will open a new door.  Pray, always for guidance, wisdom and knowledge from God, and be grateful in all your days.  God never changes, even though our circumstances do.  He loves us unconditionally, and He never leaves us.  Search out your heart and figure out the faulty parts and ask God to forgive you and help you to always turn to Him in times of struggle.  Be thankful of the blessings God gives, but don't worship them or the creations of God.  Only worship and praise God. 
I have been to very high places, in my life, where it seems nothing can touch me, and I've been to extremely low places, where I just couldn't see the light, no matter what direction I turned.  Life is tough, and times can be challenging, but through my walk with God, I've learned every thing's easier to deal with if I just continue to lift my face to God and thank Him for my life.  I thank Him for just being who He is.  He is above all I could ever imagine, and gives me what I need everyday.  When bad times come, and they don't stop, just because of Him, I see them as challenges or learning times.  It's just easier to change my thinking into God taking care of me in my situations and knowing He will guide me through.
It used to be hard for me to seek Him out, first, in every situation, but after so many times of coming to Him last, and getting my answer I wished I had, at first, I've learned to pray before everything.

I always begin my days with prayers of thanks for the day, my night's sleep and what the day will bring.  I read my Bible, devotions and inspirational reading, because it lifts my heart and reminds me that God is always right there.  He has an ultimate plan, and I'm not alone, no matter how lost I may feel.

Glory To God

There's just so much love flowing through me.  It makes me smile and sometimes laugh, just knowing it's there.  I got it from God.  The more I seek out God's word, praise Him and pray to Him, I am filled beyond measure with sweetness.  It hasn't always been this way, though.
I started out, before I surrendered, as a girl only out to get what she needed, or so I thought.  I found myself never being satisfied and always needing more and more of things I couldn't afford to get.  I was completely lost.
I didn't surrender completely, at first, either.  When I first "gave my heart to God", I let down a load of my burdens, but insisted to carry another load I had no idea I still had.  I left God several times.  I even took a year "break" from church to find out what I needed to do. 
Out of a prayer came an answer.  I took a chance and found a new church, not by accident, or coincidence, but by the will of God.  It's been two years, and I surrendered, completely only after the first week there.  I felt the last burden of baggage leave me.  I submerged myself with all that I could, so I could keep myself on track.
Last year, I could see myself growing more and more with my faith, love and understanding.  I do all I can, now to keep myself humble, serving and loving God.  How?  All I do is love everyone I talk to.  I give hugs, have conversations, listen, and pray for those I feel need the prayers.  I praise God, everyday, because He's so wonderful!  I thank Him for my everyday and for all He's brought me through.  It doesn't matter my circumstances, God never changes, and He loves me, still.  I was a dirty, rotten, messed up lady.  I used to be, but now, I am so thankful, He took me into His arms and forgave me.
I ask forgiveness everyday, because I'm not perfect.  I hope everyone knows that.  I'm not a very quiet person, either.  I laugh more at myself than anyone else, because of how rediculous things I do are. 
I am who I am, because God made me that way.  I am so thankful that God made us for His purpose.  That puts it all into perspective, for me.  No matter what I go through or what comes against me, He's always watching, and I trust that.  I'll never stop working for Him.  I will do my best to give Him honor and glory and praise Him in the morning, noon and night.  He is worthy of all praise!
I hope and pray that through me, more people can accept Jesus into their hearts, knowing, it doesn't matter what place you're in, or how many "bad" things you've done, God loves you, and He's waiting for You to say, "Yes!"
It's not easy, and the responsibility of taking care of yourself is hard, too.  The thing is, we all gotta start somewhere, and sometime.  Why not now?