May, My Longest Month

For two years, now, May has become a challenging month, for me. It is the rainy month, the tail-end of school, a time of celebration of my daughter's birth and motherhood. It is also a time of mourning and rememberance.

Two years ago, I lost my dad, one of the greatest influences in my life, one of my guides, balancers and comforters. He was my first hero. He was a strong supporter of my quirkiness. He loved me unconditionally, and he's gone. Just gone. This hurts.

So, we're finally into the last week in May, and I just want it to end. I know time will move along as it should, and no matter what we try, it just goes at its own pace, as do I.

As I linger in remembrance of my Dad and loved ones who have passed on before me, I am grateful for the love and impact they had on my life. I am grateful for all the people who have gone before all of us to try to make our world a better place.

This inspires me to keep going, keep doing good, because in the end, the goodness and kindness and love will be my legacy. My God is Love. I am a peacemaker, peace keeper and peace seeker. Love is the way to peace, and that is my ultimate motivation.

I know I may not be able to change the world, but I can make a difference in my own world, where I go and what I do.

I hope that all my efforts and all my energy projects the love that dwells inside of me. I want and hope to be a light of love that leads others to show love, mercy, kindness and compassion. 

David's Love Note

Mommy, I love you
More than you can see
You have always been there
When I needed you to be

I know I don't show
How great my love is
But I need you to know
All the love for you I have to give

I wish there was more
For you I could do
But all I can say
Is how much I love you

It is deeper than the oceans
Higher than the sun
I could shout it forever
And still not be done

Your smile is a keepsake
I keep close to my heart
That I open up and treasure
When we are apart

~David Brauher

This is such a precious love note my 13 year old wrote for me.  I will treasure it always.

A Message to All Preachers

I have tried to go to different churches, and the one I felt most comfortable in was Pentecostal, because I love how spirit filled it is!  Most of the people are welcoming and friendly, but we're all people. We're all going through life. We're all on the same playing field, and none of us are better than another.

I struggle daily, as any other person going through life. That's life.
Going to church is my way of taking my focus off of life and worshipping God. I love to give God honor and glory through my praise and learning more about Him.

My message is this: preachers will focus on problems in life and magnify those areas that we tend to overlook, but sometimes they don't offer a solution. It becomes a prayer, which in my eyes is a stresser, so going to church makes me focus on my every, little problem. That's not what I want to do at church. I want my mind fully focused on God.

Preachers also criticise from the pulpit. It's hard enough going through life with all our daily struggles, but then to get needled for things way beyond our control isn't helpful. It's very hurtful. I hate being criticised and judged. Hate is opposite love. God calls us to love one another, to speak life, to edify and build each other up.

The last thing that really keeps me from wanting to go to church functions is most of them require a fee. At some point, every church function becomes a fund raiser. As a mom of three, it's hard enough affording life within our means, but now you want to charge an entry fee per person? Then, the snacks and drinks cost money too? No thanks! I'd rather stay home and host a movie night with my family.

Failure Is Not An Option

Failure is defined as an inability to do an expected or required action.  Inability comes from a lack of training.  In my mind, failure is not an option.  I must be ready and willing to learn all I can for whatever life brings to my table, so I continue to press on, move forward and learn all I can about things I don't know.  No, I'll never know all, but I can learn as much as I can, and I can perform to my best.

I say these things, because I was going down a tunnel, feeling a failure.  I gave up, and thought I'd lost my cause.  My faith was broken, and I was drifting from a great cause I stood for.  My mind was lost.  My heart was crushed.  I'm talking of my spiritual self.  I was withering.

But, by God's grace and mercy, He spoke to me.  He spoke at church camp, and I stayed back, when I should've gone forward.  He spoke during Sunday school.  But, when it came time for church, He shouted!  He called me out, and I knew I was revived!  My heart cried, and I was snapped back to reality.  I knew my faith needed some love and tender care.

I am not a failure, and I will not give up.  I will persevere with training and working on my faith with my tools I've been given.  I was given a Bible-good place to start.  I was given the Power of Prayer-true freedom line.  I was given chance after chance, and I won't waste this chance.  I'm done with chance.  I'm taking a stand for my salvation, and I won't let my soul slip down the drain.  I'm not falling through the cracks.  I'm feeding my spirit, and flesh will learn to obey. 

For too long, I'd thought it was just going to happen naturally.  Now, I know it's going to happen spiritually, and I'm equipping myself. 

It really sucks how easy it is to slip and slide away from where I once was.  I faded my colors, and thought I'd blend in.  It's not that simple, and I don't want to fade away.  I am a beautiful, radiant flower that will stick out.  I may even look weird, but that's normal to me.  I'm God's, and I'm going to make sure I live like it.  I am a woman of worth and God loves me for me.  I don't need to fly under the radar and hide with the others.

Failure is not an option.  I will win.  I must win.  God is my Father, and He doesn't make junk.  I was put here to make a difference, and I will.

SpRiNkLeD wItH tWiNkLeS

Seeking out the many parts
Along life's journey
We measure in plenty hearts
While we're learning

And many days
We think we know
All the ways
And then we grow

When we look
We see the twinkling
Not of a book
Comes pretty sprinkling

Seasoning in a once bland
And boring place
Coloring on our land
By mercy and grace

So many chances
To stop and pray
In quick glances
Fading to gray

Take it for what it's worth
And live each moment
To the fullest

No one can make you do it
You must choose
And do it well

Don't fade into gray
The way some do

Live to see the sweetness that's been spread before you.  Seek out the beauty in your everyday.  Slow down and enjoy time and everything.  Life's a fleeting breath, and it's here for us to enjoy.  Live like it's your last day.  Love like you will never run out.  Laugh with all your heart, so no one can say you were fakin' it.  Do what you do, and let no one tell you your dreams don't mean a thing.  Dreams inspire life!

Glory To God

There's just so much love flowing through me.  It makes me smile and sometimes laugh, just knowing it's there.  I got it from God.  The more I seek out God's word, praise Him and pray to Him, I am filled beyond measure with sweetness.  It hasn't always been this way, though.
I started out, before I surrendered, as a girl only out to get what she needed, or so I thought.  I found myself never being satisfied and always needing more and more of things I couldn't afford to get.  I was completely lost.
I didn't surrender completely, at first, either.  When I first "gave my heart to God", I let down a load of my burdens, but insisted to carry another load I had no idea I still had.  I left God several times.  I even took a year "break" from church to find out what I needed to do. 
Out of a prayer came an answer.  I took a chance and found a new church, not by accident, or coincidence, but by the will of God.  It's been two years, and I surrendered, completely only after the first week there.  I felt the last burden of baggage leave me.  I submerged myself with all that I could, so I could keep myself on track.
Last year, I could see myself growing more and more with my faith, love and understanding.  I do all I can, now to keep myself humble, serving and loving God.  How?  All I do is love everyone I talk to.  I give hugs, have conversations, listen, and pray for those I feel need the prayers.  I praise God, everyday, because He's so wonderful!  I thank Him for my everyday and for all He's brought me through.  It doesn't matter my circumstances, God never changes, and He loves me, still.  I was a dirty, rotten, messed up lady.  I used to be, but now, I am so thankful, He took me into His arms and forgave me.
I ask forgiveness everyday, because I'm not perfect.  I hope everyone knows that.  I'm not a very quiet person, either.  I laugh more at myself than anyone else, because of how rediculous things I do are. 
I am who I am, because God made me that way.  I am so thankful that God made us for His purpose.  That puts it all into perspective, for me.  No matter what I go through or what comes against me, He's always watching, and I trust that.  I'll never stop working for Him.  I will do my best to give Him honor and glory and praise Him in the morning, noon and night.  He is worthy of all praise!
I hope and pray that through me, more people can accept Jesus into their hearts, knowing, it doesn't matter what place you're in, or how many "bad" things you've done, God loves you, and He's waiting for You to say, "Yes!"
It's not easy, and the responsibility of taking care of yourself is hard, too.  The thing is, we all gotta start somewhere, and sometime.  Why not now?

Not Afraid of Dirt

         When I was young, I was always told to wash up before eating, probably because I was so dirty from all the outdoor play.  I don't think I owned a completely clean piece of clothing, because I was never afraid of dirt.  There are things in dirt that can cause sickness, but I guess I'll get to that bridge when I cross it.
          I went to school to learn to weld, and everyday, the teacher would ask if I ate the metal.  My face was always smudged with the dirt of the work.  I have a hard time staying clean when I'm deep into my work.  It doesn't matter what I'm doing, there just seems to be a magnetism between me and messes.
          On a deeper level, I don't seem to mind dirt, either.  When my husband comes home from work, and I want to show him how much I've missed him, I'll give him a great, big bear hug.  He sometimes says, "You don't want to do that.  I'm all dirty."  I really don't care.  My love for him runs deeper than dirt.  I hug many people who aren't very clean, because I don't care about their dirt.  I'm just not afraid of dirt.  I show love to people who others stay away from, because they may have something scandalous in their closet.  I don't care.  I'm still not afraid of the dirt.
           If someone has enough time to point out the dirt I have on me, they need to search their heart.  Love is above all dirt.