May, My Longest Month

For two years, now, May has become a challenging month, for me. It is the rainy month, the tail-end of school, a time of celebration of my daughter's birth and motherhood. It is also a time of mourning and rememberance.

Two years ago, I lost my dad, one of the greatest influences in my life, one of my guides, balancers and comforters. He was my first hero. He was a strong supporter of my quirkiness. He loved me unconditionally, and he's gone. Just gone. This hurts.

So, we're finally into the last week in May, and I just want it to end. I know time will move along as it should, and no matter what we try, it just goes at its own pace, as do I.

As I linger in remembrance of my Dad and loved ones who have passed on before me, I am grateful for the love and impact they had on my life. I am grateful for all the people who have gone before all of us to try to make our world a better place.

This inspires me to keep going, keep doing good, because in the end, the goodness and kindness and love will be my legacy. My God is Love. I am a peacemaker, peace keeper and peace seeker. Love is the way to peace, and that is my ultimate motivation.

I know I may not be able to change the world, but I can make a difference in my own world, where I go and what I do.

I hope that all my efforts and all my energy projects the love that dwells inside of me. I want and hope to be a light of love that leads others to show love, mercy, kindness and compassion. 

No More Rose Colored Glasses

I turned 40 this year. It has been just about a year since my Dad passed away. My life changed drastically. My view became more clear, with richer, deeper tones. It isn't good or bad. It just is.

I know every moment in my life is important, and I don't wish to take anything back. I still make mistakes, but I'm done second guessing myself. I have great instincts, and my self worth is not dependant on anyone or anything.

I have had to let go of many people and things. It hurts, sometimes, but in the end, there is relief.

I am trying to begin my big dream, but I don't know where to start. I have too many ideas, and I have no idea of what to do next. I believe in my dream, and I do believe this will become something. Sure, I'm unsure, but I know there is a path. I just need to find it.

I used to be optimistic and thought of myself as a pacifist. Well, I'm tired of trying to make everyone but me happy. I am not God, and my happiness is important to me.

I know I had a rough start. I had a rough middle, but I don't have to finish rough. It's time to buff out and get polished.

So, no more rose-colored glasses. That means I will not be seeing others' lives as more beautiful than mine. We are all beautiful in our own right. There is much beauty in this brokenness. I see more beauty in me than I ever did because I looked at everyone else as my muse. I was seeking a way to make my life better by comparing myself to others. I thought I could make myself better by trying to be like them. That's the "rat race". Well, I'm not a rat, and I hate racing.

I know how to seek peace. I know how to become calm. In my most traumatic moments, my inner self becomes as calm as a pond at midnight. No ripples. Just calm.

I am 40. This is my year to begin, again. I am good at that. I have had to start over so many times. I am very good at adapting. Here I go, again.