Standing In My Own Way; Get Out of My Way, Me!

 A sad truth I've come to realize is most of my problem moving forward is my own self. After many years of criticism and crooked understanding of words said to me, I became my own hindrance.

I'm attempting to pursue a career and at the same time learn to love who I've become. Today, I have a goal of clearing out unnecessary clutter from my house. The thing standing in my way is me. 

This reminds me of when I was very young, and I got frustrated looking in the mirror. I wouldn't get out of my way. I wanted to get bye me, but I wouldn't move. I was a stubborn child, and I honestly wanted to step into the mirror and see what else was in there.

I used to try looking around the screen of our small TV set, too. I wanted to see more of the picture. My mind has always been curious and naive, but it has a darker side that just loves to jump in my own way and keep me from going anywhere. It's what I'm used to, but I'm tired of getting stuck in my own way.

You hear me! Me, get out of my way! I'm tired of your hurtful ways. I just want to get through this and enjoy my day. This is the perfect time for dark me to step aside and let determined me get this done.

No More Rose Colored Glasses

I turned 40 this year. It has been just about a year since my Dad passed away. My life changed drastically. My view became more clear, with richer, deeper tones. It isn't good or bad. It just is.

I know every moment in my life is important, and I don't wish to take anything back. I still make mistakes, but I'm done second guessing myself. I have great instincts, and my self worth is not dependant on anyone or anything.

I have had to let go of many people and things. It hurts, sometimes, but in the end, there is relief.

I am trying to begin my big dream, but I don't know where to start. I have too many ideas, and I have no idea of what to do next. I believe in my dream, and I do believe this will become something. Sure, I'm unsure, but I know there is a path. I just need to find it.

I used to be optimistic and thought of myself as a pacifist. Well, I'm tired of trying to make everyone but me happy. I am not God, and my happiness is important to me.

I know I had a rough start. I had a rough middle, but I don't have to finish rough. It's time to buff out and get polished.

So, no more rose-colored glasses. That means I will not be seeing others' lives as more beautiful than mine. We are all beautiful in our own right. There is much beauty in this brokenness. I see more beauty in me than I ever did because I looked at everyone else as my muse. I was seeking a way to make my life better by comparing myself to others. I thought I could make myself better by trying to be like them. That's the "rat race". Well, I'm not a rat, and I hate racing.

I know how to seek peace. I know how to become calm. In my most traumatic moments, my inner self becomes as calm as a pond at midnight. No ripples. Just calm.

I am 40. This is my year to begin, again. I am good at that. I have had to start over so many times. I am very good at adapting. Here I go, again.