God, I Just Want My Dad Back!

I never knew the pain of losing my Dad would cut so deeply. I go for stretches in my busy life working through upsets and all kinds of situations. There's just always something missing; my monthly phonecalls to Dad. 
Father's Day just past, and it was a good day. The tears fall hard when I try to vocalize, "Happy Father's Day, Dad. I miss you!"
I remember you, Dad. Your eyes look back at me in the mirror, daily. Thanks for my pretty eyes. Your hat hangs on my wall above a picture of you on one of your last working days. I smile at the thought of you rolling your eyes and blowing a "pff" of air out at my dorkiness. And that's what I miss about you, most. You got me. I may have gotten on your nerves enough for you to say my first and middle name, but you loved me just the same.
You never tried to change me. You didn't force me to try to be someone I'm not. You loved me as I was.
I really miss your long, bear hugs and hearing you say, "I love you, Barbara."
Every day I miss you. Everyday seems so much farther away from you.
Nothing makes this pain any easier. There's no medicine for it, and the only thing I can seem to do is cry hard until I stop.
The tears are stinging my cheeks, and my eyes are puffy.
I tried to continue the monthly calls to your widow, but it feels like I'm a nuisance.
I didn't realize the hurt, the devastation of loss until you stopped living.
This kind of pain doesn't end.

Getting Over Pain

For so many years, I always thought the best way to deal with pain was to talk it out.  My most frustrating moments with pain would be when my husband would say something snarky and leave for work.  As a stay-at-home mom, I'd be left to have the words last spoken to me ruminate inside my mind leading to new, negative thoughts and questions eventually turning me into a hot, melted blob of a mess.  Everytime, I'd write out my feelings or thoughts and leave it on the table.  This, in turn led to my husband trying to figure out what to do next, as I boiled under my skin.  Every attempt on his part to try to console me made me even angrier, and I never got closure from any of it.  It would just have to dissipate and stay inside until something new bothered me later, and then, they could both be added together.  This same thing would happen over and over until I just couldn't contain my pain, anymore.  By the end of three months, or so, I would babble out my pain and frustration, trying to stay audible through the tears and snot.  He would listen, and I would feel like a horrible person for cutting him down.
I have recently learned the better way to take care of this situation, as it just happened a few days ago.  I wrote out my letter of frustration.  After serious thought, an hour later, I put the note away.  New thoughts crept in, and I wrote out a whole page of "pity party" questions and put it on the table.  I sat on the couch and cried.  I prayed for God to take this pain and hurt away and to bless my husband at his job.  I found comfort in my Bible, and crumpled up that stupid paper on the table and threw it in the trash.  My thoughts were: "What was I thinking?  How would I like to come home to a note of such hurtful words?  Doesn't my husband have enough drama at work?" 
I went to the couch, again and read more in a book that is helping me out, greatly "Making Love Last Forever".  By the time I went to bed, I had euphoric peace, and when I woke, my husband was touching my hand asking me if I wanted McDonald's for breakfast!  I couldn't believe how awesome this morning was!
So, from this one night, I learned the best way to get over the pain of hurtful words was to pray it out to God, and let it go.  It is easier said than done, but it's not impossible.
Thank you, God!

Our Job In A World of Fear

No matter how much time passes
The pain is there as if today
There are no rose colored glasses
To blur the scar of yesterday

As I watched in agony
A river flowed down my face
I couldn’t help only see
The dust fill up every space

Heroes and victims
We have them both
Moments of silence
Brings forth the truth

Loved ones and strangers
No diff’rence to us
Turmoil and dangers
God is who we trust

A world drowning in fear
Cannot see the promise we do
Show them God is so near
And His word forever is true

Shine the light of God most high
Share His love with everyone
We don’t know but He knows why
Trust in Him and in His Son

Reach out, be there
Listen, love and care
Hug them, repair
Replace their despair


It’s not too late
Use this time, now
No time to wait
To show them how

Fear not for yourself
Fear not at all
For faith is your wealth
Answer His call

Empathy and sympathy
And Feel for your neighbor
This is all a recipe
To work for your Savior