Safety Blanket SSRI's

Ever since I was eight-years-old, when my world was destroyed by a terribly toxic tyrant, I have battled major depressive episodes. 

I never knew I was depressed until a health teacher recognized the signs I'd been presenting. Not knowing anything was "wrong," I never tried to hide what I went through. 

I hid the terrors of my home life, but I've never presented myself other than who I truly am. 

I struggled with addictions, and I advocated for myself. Eventually, I figured out there just wasn't something right deep down in me. I sought treatment. I got counseling. I was prescribed anti-anxiety meds to help with my panic attacks. I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, and I did deep work in dialectical behavioral skills. My disorder is self sabotaging.

I've always struggled with self esteem, self worth, and self acceptance, since the twats raising me made me believe I was never good enough, and I'd never amount to much.

I am currently stepping down from another round of SSRI. Every so many years, this time, it was 10 years, I find myself in a major depression where I'm stuck, and I can't find joy anymore. I realize it after a month, and I seek help from a doctor. 

I appreciate SSRI's as a security blanket to wrap in and bring me up to a good baseline out of that deep pit I found myself in. 

I have also learned I don't NEED them for longer than three months. My "normal" is a swinging pendulum, and I love feeling all the feels. I love being able to allow myself to feel emotions and go through the journey and coming through whatever it is. 

Currently, I am wanting to get back to my healthier life choices and get more creative, but I've realized on the SSRI, my entire system is suppressed. Instead of feeling like a sparking highlighter, I feel like a muted pastel crayon that gives out more wax than color, and I'm not ok with that. 

I spoke with my doctor, and they approved my step-down of taking it every-other-day for a week. 

I'm so ready to be my crazy, bouncy self, again. ♡

Find Your Perfect Environment

    

    Over the years, I have read and heard many fabulous quotes. Many are inspiring. Some are humorous, and others are thought-provoking.

     About a month or so ago, I came up with my own. I love the challenge of looking at life from different perspectives, and I have a nasty habit of diving right in without thinking. This has its own set of pros and cons.

    I don't take time to stand back and admire things from a distance first with the exception of freshly fallen snow. I do love to treasure the virginity of a beautiful blanket of freshly fallen snow before I run into it and begin playing in it.

    I go against the advice: "Don't put all your eggs in one basket." or "Don't put both feet in at one time."

    At a lake, I see water, and I must run right on in and get as deep as I can right away. I want to be fully submerged in the water I love so much! I can't help myself.

    It's there. It's for me. It's calling me in.

    Yes, that's me.

    Over many years, I have found life to not be so forgiving, and sometimes diving right in can yield consequences I wasn't aware of because I didn't step back, pause, and take a moment to consider the possibilities of what may or may not happen.

    That is all ok, though, because I have learned to adapt. Life throws me a stumbling block. I turn it into a stepping stone. I have been knocked down, but this isn't about falling down. This is about being resilient in the face of adversity.

    It didn't take much thought to come up with my own quote. I searched it to make sure it was unique, and it is. I don't know how I came up with it, but I love it:

"Penguins fly best underwater. Given the proper environment, anyone can soar." ~Barbara Brauher

    Think of it. A penguin is a bird, but it doesn't fly. Underwater, it flies. They are astonishing to watch swimming as if flying. I think it's beautiful, and they go so fast, they pop up and out of the water where they land on solid ground or ice. Amazing!

    So, I believe from knowing penguins are birds, but they cannot fly, they actually are designed to fly best underwater. It's where they get their tasty fish from, and they get their exercise underwater. They are very skilled and have adapted to this way of life. 

    I believe anyone can be the best they can be given the proper environment. I, myself, am no runner. I can last about 20-40 seconds before it feels like ice knives driving down my throat. I once was able to do heavy lifting and strenuous work. Now, I can't. But, if I get myself in water, I can swim for a good, long while. I can hold my breath and dive down to observe the depths for a few minutes. I find peace and joy in the water I have become accustomed. 

    This isn't a natural thing I was born with, but skills I worked to develop because I decided that I love water. I grew up going to the ocean for summer vacations. Swim class was taught in middle school, and I was always drawn to water. I learned water safety, and if I went out to be a lifeguard, I probably wouldn't pass the running and saving test, because now that I lost most of my stamina, I'd not be able to support another person's weight. That is a very good evaluation. I know I'm a good swimmer, but I am aware of my faults, and that's ok. It's better to admit a shortcoming than to be headstrong and lose a life
because I was arrogant.

Losing Myself

Forget-me-nots are my favorite flowers. They're small and unassuming. When you look closely at them, they are amazing, little wonders.

Lately, it seems I have been forgetting myself. I feel like I'm losing myself, not really my worth or my identity, but my heart.

It seems I put so many things above my self worth, and I have always struggled with self esteem. I do not think I am worth much more than anyone else I know. I was raised to be submissive and attentive to everyone but myself.

I was never told how important self care, self respect and self love are. Now that I'm getting older, I'm running out of energy and time. It feels like I get blocks of time, and I have to strategically use those blocks of time. Many things are stressing me out, so some blocks of time are spent lounging or sleeping.

I have to alter this. I have to choose my time and activities carefully.

I know a well cannot give water if it's dry, so I need to fill my well each day, before I leave my bed.
How?
Through God's word, prayer and meditation. ♡

Getting Over Pain

For so many years, I always thought the best way to deal with pain was to talk it out.  My most frustrating moments with pain would be when my husband would say something snarky and leave for work.  As a stay-at-home mom, I'd be left to have the words last spoken to me ruminate inside my mind leading to new, negative thoughts and questions eventually turning me into a hot, melted blob of a mess.  Everytime, I'd write out my feelings or thoughts and leave it on the table.  This, in turn led to my husband trying to figure out what to do next, as I boiled under my skin.  Every attempt on his part to try to console me made me even angrier, and I never got closure from any of it.  It would just have to dissipate and stay inside until something new bothered me later, and then, they could both be added together.  This same thing would happen over and over until I just couldn't contain my pain, anymore.  By the end of three months, or so, I would babble out my pain and frustration, trying to stay audible through the tears and snot.  He would listen, and I would feel like a horrible person for cutting him down.
I have recently learned the better way to take care of this situation, as it just happened a few days ago.  I wrote out my letter of frustration.  After serious thought, an hour later, I put the note away.  New thoughts crept in, and I wrote out a whole page of "pity party" questions and put it on the table.  I sat on the couch and cried.  I prayed for God to take this pain and hurt away and to bless my husband at his job.  I found comfort in my Bible, and crumpled up that stupid paper on the table and threw it in the trash.  My thoughts were: "What was I thinking?  How would I like to come home to a note of such hurtful words?  Doesn't my husband have enough drama at work?" 
I went to the couch, again and read more in a book that is helping me out, greatly "Making Love Last Forever".  By the time I went to bed, I had euphoric peace, and when I woke, my husband was touching my hand asking me if I wanted McDonald's for breakfast!  I couldn't believe how awesome this morning was!
So, from this one night, I learned the best way to get over the pain of hurtful words was to pray it out to God, and let it go.  It is easier said than done, but it's not impossible.
Thank you, God!

Our Job In A World of Fear

No matter how much time passes
The pain is there as if today
There are no rose colored glasses
To blur the scar of yesterday

As I watched in agony
A river flowed down my face
I couldn’t help only see
The dust fill up every space

Heroes and victims
We have them both
Moments of silence
Brings forth the truth

Loved ones and strangers
No diff’rence to us
Turmoil and dangers
God is who we trust

A world drowning in fear
Cannot see the promise we do
Show them God is so near
And His word forever is true

Shine the light of God most high
Share His love with everyone
We don’t know but He knows why
Trust in Him and in His Son

Reach out, be there
Listen, love and care
Hug them, repair
Replace their despair


It’s not too late
Use this time, now
No time to wait
To show them how

Fear not for yourself
Fear not at all
For faith is your wealth
Answer His call

Empathy and sympathy
And Feel for your neighbor
This is all a recipe
To work for your Savior