I have a very vivid imagination, so every dream I have is super realistic, and that's not always a good thing.
I usually do a lot of stressful work in my dreams, and in dream land, people aren't as helpful or even as prominent as in the real world.
It's generally a dark atmosphere, and weather isn't a factor, often. The stress level I feel during my waking days gets translated into my dreams.
I have died quite a few times in my dreams, and last night brought yet another death of myself I'd never experienced before.
I have worked at a few AFC (Adult Foster Care) homes in the past. These are houses set up with several rooms for anyone over the age of 18 with mental or physical disabilities that require assistance during the day. They are people who just need extra care their families can't provide during an undetermined time frame. Some eventually move out and get a place of their own. Some find new people to care for them, while others are longer term care.
Anyway, in March I had to resign from my latest AFC position. I was an overnight worker. I had to bake desserts, breads and prep some meals for the next days in the week. I also deep cleaned the house while everyone "slept".
In my nightmare last night, I returned to work there. Everyone was very happy to see me, again. My manager greeted me with open arms, and we, both took a nap in the living room before we had to start the daily routines.
After waking, she passed meds, and I just buddied up with clients assisting them with getting their mornings going. Everyone had to use the two bathrooms, it seemed, at the same time. I stood with a blind lady to make sure she got her turn to use the bathroom second in line, so she wouldn't have an accident. In my dream she spoke telepathically to me, but I had no clue how to respond, so I moved her hands and spoke to try to convey my thoughts. It was neat to be able to hear her in my head, because in reality, she can't form words.
I had taken a walk outside with one male client listening to his story. We rounded the corner to come back to the house when we saw two burglars run out of a house and rummage through a car. They spotted us, and one raised a rifle to my forehead. There was a bench behind me. I tapped the barrel of the gun away from my head, because I noticed the gunman was shaky, and I didn't believe he'd fire. The client and I sat down on the bench, because we were scared to run. The end of the gun was down at waist level between us. It was smoking, so I thought there was a problem with the ammo. I looked at the gunman, and he was tearing up. I thought he felt worried that his gun didn't work. I told the client we needed to get back home. We hurried inside. My manager was taking a shower, and soup was being made on the stove. I finished cooking it, and dinner was served family style.
Everyone was complimenting the food and talking to me as they either took care of their dishes or got seconds. One client wouldn't look at me, and had a hard time speaking to me. I asked him, "Why won't you look at me?" He told me, "You're broken."
I felt my forehead, but I couldn't find the break. I realized he was telling me I'd been shot. I quickly left the house, because I didn't want to disturb anyone else. My old cat, Clifford was outside, and he was taller than real life. He came up to me and let me pet him. Then, he helped another cat hunt birds in a bush.
As I walked slowly around to digest the new knowledge, I kept clearing my throat and coughing up mucus. I thought if I was dead, maybe that was the feeling of being incubated. So, I tried screaming my own name to try waking myself up. Nothing happened. I started crying, because I was scared to get trapped in this realm of limbo.
I screamed my manager's name in case I was still on the fateful bench. Finally, I awoke in my actual bed. The power had gone out, and I was hot under a sleeping bag. I was still scared it wasn't real until I pushed my covers off and heard birds chirping and everything that reminded me of reality.
This brain of mine is such a scary place.
Over the years, I have read and heard many fabulous quotes. Many are inspiring. Some are humorous, and others are thought-provoking.
About a month or so ago, I came up with my own. I love the challenge of looking at life from different perspectives, and I have a nasty habit of diving right in without thinking. This has its own set of pros and cons.
I don't take time to stand back and admire things from a distance first with the exception of freshly fallen snow. I do love to treasure the virginity of a beautiful blanket of freshly fallen snow before I run into it and begin playing in it.
I go against the advice: "Don't put all your eggs in one basket." or "Don't put both feet in at one time."
At a lake, I see water, and I must run right on in and get as deep as I can right away. I want to be fully submerged in the water I love so much! I can't help myself.
It's there. It's for me. It's calling me in.
Yes, that's me.
Over many years, I have found life to not be so forgiving, and sometimes diving right in can yield consequences I wasn't aware of because I didn't step back, pause, and take a moment to consider the possibilities of what may or may not happen.
That is all ok, though, because I have learned to adapt. Life throws me a stumbling block. I turn it into a stepping stone. I have been knocked down, but this isn't about falling down. This is about being resilient in the face of adversity.
It didn't take much thought to come up with my own quote. I searched it to make sure it was unique, and it is. I don't know how I came up with it, but I love it:
"Penguins fly best underwater. Given the proper environment, anyone can soar." ~Barbara Brauher
Think of it. A penguin is a bird, but it doesn't fly. Underwater, it flies. They are astonishing to watch swimming as if flying. I think it's beautiful, and they go so fast, they pop up and out of the water where they land on solid ground or ice. Amazing!
So, I believe from knowing penguins are birds, but they cannot fly, they actually are designed to fly best underwater. It's where they get their tasty fish from, and they get their exercise underwater. They are very skilled and have adapted to this way of life.
I believe anyone can be the best they can be given the proper environment. I, myself, am no runner. I can last about 20-40 seconds before it feels like ice knives driving down my throat. I once was able to do heavy lifting and strenuous work. Now, I can't. But, if I get myself in water, I can swim for a good, long while. I can hold my breath and dive down to observe the depths for a few minutes. I find peace and joy in the water I have become accustomed.
This isn't a natural thing I was born with, but skills I worked to develop because I decided that I love water. I grew up going to the ocean for summer vacations. Swim class was taught in middle school, and I was always drawn to water. I learned water safety, and if I went out to be a lifeguard, I probably wouldn't pass the running and saving test, because now that I lost most of my stamina, I'd not be able to support another person's weight. That is a very good evaluation. I know I'm a good swimmer, but I am aware of my faults, and that's ok. It's better to admit a shortcoming than to be headstrong and lose a life
because I was arrogant.
A sad truth I've come to realize is most of my problem moving forward is my own self. After many years of criticism and crooked understanding of words said to me, I became my own hindrance.
I'm attempting to pursue a career and at the same time learn to love who I've become. Today, I have a goal of clearing out unnecessary clutter from my house. The thing standing in my way is me.
This reminds me of when I was very young, and I got frustrated looking in the mirror. I wouldn't get out of my way. I wanted to get bye me, but I wouldn't move. I was a stubborn child, and I honestly wanted to step into the mirror and see what else was in there.
I used to try looking around the screen of our small TV set, too. I wanted to see more of the picture. My mind has always been curious and naive, but it has a darker side that just loves to jump in my own way and keep me from going anywhere. It's what I'm used to, but I'm tired of getting stuck in my own way.
You hear me! Me, get out of my way! I'm tired of your hurtful ways. I just want to get through this and enjoy my day. This is the perfect time for dark me to step aside and let determined me get this done.
