Losing Myself

Forget-me-nots are my favorite flowers. They're small and unassuming. When you look closely at them, they are amazing, little wonders.

Lately, it seems I have been forgetting myself. I feel like I'm losing myself, not really my worth or my identity, but my heart.

It seems I put so many things above my self worth, and I have always struggled with self esteem. I do not think I am worth much more than anyone else I know. I was raised to be submissive and attentive to everyone but myself.

I was never told how important self care, self respect and self love are. Now that I'm getting older, I'm running out of energy and time. It feels like I get blocks of time, and I have to strategically use those blocks of time. Many things are stressing me out, so some blocks of time are spent lounging or sleeping.

I have to alter this. I have to choose my time and activities carefully.

I know a well cannot give water if it's dry, so I need to fill my well each day, before I leave my bed.
How?
Through God's word, prayer and meditation. ♡

A Message to All Preachers

I have tried to go to different churches, and the one I felt most comfortable in was Pentecostal, because I love how spirit filled it is!  Most of the people are welcoming and friendly, but we're all people. We're all going through life. We're all on the same playing field, and none of us are better than another.

I struggle daily, as any other person going through life. That's life.
Going to church is my way of taking my focus off of life and worshipping God. I love to give God honor and glory through my praise and learning more about Him.

My message is this: preachers will focus on problems in life and magnify those areas that we tend to overlook, but sometimes they don't offer a solution. It becomes a prayer, which in my eyes is a stresser, so going to church makes me focus on my every, little problem. That's not what I want to do at church. I want my mind fully focused on God.

Preachers also criticise from the pulpit. It's hard enough going through life with all our daily struggles, but then to get needled for things way beyond our control isn't helpful. It's very hurtful. I hate being criticised and judged. Hate is opposite love. God calls us to love one another, to speak life, to edify and build each other up.

The last thing that really keeps me from wanting to go to church functions is most of them require a fee. At some point, every church function becomes a fund raiser. As a mom of three, it's hard enough affording life within our means, but now you want to charge an entry fee per person? Then, the snacks and drinks cost money too? No thanks! I'd rather stay home and host a movie night with my family.

Mental Vacations

Each day, I wake up to this tranquility. It's peaceful and serene. Each season allows room to grow. It's so beautiful here. I have a wonderful family, and life moves at a slower pace. 

We're not concerned with new, now, next of the consumer life.

Out here, we are concerned with what today brings, how we're feeling, and what can we do today.

We live in the here and now.

Yes, it is a drive to see businesses and city life, but we prefer this rural place.

Our neighbors are spaced out at a comfortable reach. We look out for each other, and most of us smile and wave.

The air smells fresh, and at night, the stars are clearly seen.

The town we're considered in is at least 5 miles away.

I love this countryside life!

The Path

    I took a walk one day. The weather had finally become pleasant. On my walk I was inspired. 
    Life is like a path. At first, there is no path. There may be areas worn down by one who went before us, but things have grown up or fallen down distorting the way.
    Starting out on our journey, we decide to go that-a-way, and so we need to clear the area. The first hike down that path will most likely be difficult and hard to negotiate.
    We may stumble and fall. We may get battle scars, and we may say to ourselves, "This is too hard." We may want to give up and not go back. Don't quit!
    Try again. Go back out and do it again. "Practice makes perfect" after all.
    Each time we go back, we can see our footprints, and there may even be others' footprints, because we led the way. We were brave and took the first step or a giant leap of faith. 
    Over time, the path will get worn down. It will be easier to traverse, and we may look forward to going. Sure, things may grow up and fall down many times over, but as long as we get back up and keep trying, we will find joy in this. It's perfectly ok to take rests, breaks or even go on hiatus for a while. Rest is good for the soul, but don't give up.
    If we decide to quit, we are left with regrets and wondering, "what may have been".

Building Endurance

So, today was my first day for a 30 min walk. I have finished my 4 days of 20 min walking. I realized, while my muscles stopped aching and just felt warm, I'm building my endurance. I love this! I know it's repetitive, but it's necessary to train to run. With everything in life, we must practice over and over with small steps, advancing difficulty to get to do greater things for longer amounts of time. I am always in preparation for something. My two goals, right now are running and getting remarried. I have also learned, over time, through lots of practice, to step back and see the bigger picture. I have learned to see my progress and see how far I've advanced toward my goals. I hope to always give God all the glory and see all the beauty in my everyday!

Learning to Run

Last month, I learned I was way outta shape. I cleaned someone else's house, and it took me much longer than a year before.
I decided I needed to get in shape, plus I need to lose weight for health reasons, and I wanna look great in my wedding dress that I'll, someday make.
I kept seeing my step-sister post all these accomplishments of running 5k's and even a marathon! What! Yeah.
So, after having this tiny running book for a few months, getting decent sneakers, seeing a 50° day, I had to make a serious commitment. I will learn how to run!
With my little cockapoo by my side, I am beginning my training. I wrote the training days on my calendar. My goal is to be able to join Lila in her runs, someday.
No one was born a champion. It takes training and determination. We can do anything when we learn to prepare ourselves.
This year, I am learning to set goals. I never had plans turn out well, but with a goal, desire and preparation, plans work.

Nothing is Perfect and It's O.K.

For the longest time, I always thought I had to be "perfect", and I had to perfect everything I did. I can't pinpoint how it all began, but it was awful!
I'd freak out if my hair wouldn't behave. I wouldn't eat but 2c of veggies a day. I exercised frequently and did 100 crunches every night before bed. I was only 135# when I graduated high school. I was very broken. I don't know who I was comparing myself to, but I was delusional thinking that if everything was perfect, I'd be happy.
I'm so glad I grew up and sought counselling. My head was screwed on not too tightly, or maybe it was over tightened.
The only way I learned the truth behind happiness was listening to people talk. Everyone that looked so perfect, to me were broken on the inside. Many hid battles they dealt with, daily. The ones who strived for perfection, like me, had horrible self images.
When things don't go as planned, it's alright. That's just a change of plans. If my hair won't do what I want it to do, I try figuring out what it wants to do. Yeah, life's messy, but everything washes and dries. If it's leather or wool, it can be replaced.
Now that I've grown up, I value time and life as the best parts of life. I don't care if someone decides they need my stuff more than me. My life, and the lives of my loved ones means more than things.
Where are your priorities? Have you allowed things or people to rob you of your joy? Just reorganize your thoughts by stepping back, closing your eyes, taking a few deep, slow breaths and prioritize.